Do we, as women set ourselves up?
This question has been on my mind an awful lot lately. Forgive me if I sound over-indulgent, I guess blogging gives me clarity of thought. I’m also hoping that I’ll be able to clear the cobwebs in my mind with a little help from you.
As young teenagers, most of us have watched romantic films and read those romance novels. I remember all those “chick flicks” that touted the concept of the “perfect love”, a love that makes the world stop and the frame freeze. Take for example, ‘The Notebook’ – an epic love story of two teenagers who are torn apart and re-united. Life plays games with them and the man ends up looking after the love of his life who doesn’t recognize him anymore due to old age. He sits there every day reading their story to her in the hope that she will remember their love. When she does recognize him, it lasts for a few moments during which he must make up for all these lost years. Finally they die together, peacefully and in bed together.
Or even ‘What Dreams May Come’. Robin Williams dies to find himself in Heaven and it is more spectacular than everything he had imagined. Everything is perfect except for one thing – his wife is not with him. After his death, his wife goes into depression and kills herself thereby ending up in Hell. Williams risks eternity and the comfort and perfection of Heaven for the slim chance that he will be able to find her and bring her back to Heaven with him. Or how about ‘Casablanca’ or ‘When Harry Met Sally’? Or even ‘City of Angels’ where Nicholas Cage gives up immortality as an angel to have a few brief moments with the woman he loves. Love is a preening peacock in these movies, putting on its best front; convincing you that if you haven’t experienced a love like that, you haven’t lived yet. And its not just the movies. Pablo Neruda wrote in one of his sonnets,
“I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;
so I love you because I know no other way
than this: where I does not exist, nor you,
so close that your hand on my chest is my hand,
so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep.”
Those lines makes me sigh every time I read it. So we internalize these images of love and come to think of them as the kind of love we want to experience. The ‘movie love’ concept becomes the yardstick for love in our own lives.
So are we just setting ourselves up? Am I being juvenile for wanting that kind of magical romance? I mean, just because someone doesn’t love me the way I want to be loved, doesn’t mean he doesn’t love me at all, right? Or should I hold out saying that if I’m important enough to him, he should be able to adjust and make some small romantic gestures? Right? Right?! I have No idea! I don’t want him to journey through heaven or hell, I just want a few magical moments.. Is that asking for too much? Or do we as women have unreasonably high expectations? And does being an adult mean letting go of these dreams and expectations?
Close
RR,
Please have a look at:
http://unwantedgirlchild.blogspot.com/2008/03/stories-that-cant-leave-you-unscathed.html
Kind regards
another RR :))
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Avinash,
Thanx for your comment! Writing this blog and communicating with so many bloggers really served as a catharsis of sorts! I'm now at that place that you mention.. If it happens, it happens; if it doesn't, it doesn't! There's a sense of peace now! Thanx for your support!
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If it happens retro, it happens. If it does not, it does not. I don't think all of us get to experience what Neruda penned. No setting up - it is a yearning that would be there whether you see the movies or not, read the books or not.
Written well.
Avinash
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Tanushri,
Thank you!
Kvakutty,
Thanx! Glad you liked it!
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DSampath,
Coming from Sulekha's very own Guru of Love, I'm motivated to explore our notions of 'concept of love', like you've suggested! Will keep you in the loop if my soul searching leads me somewhere!
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santosh,
I understand your line of thinking of "You know I love you so why do you expect me to show it?".. I think most people (men as well as women) think this way.. Once you've adapted the demonstrative approach, the change you feel will speak for itself!
Kudos to you!! I'm glad you're chosing to be more demonstrative.. it will only make your life better!
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rrakhee,
The Notebook was a wonderful movie wasn't it? It left me feeling good anf upset all at the same time! Anyways, i agree that puppy love is different from a more mature love.. but I think Ilike the idea that even a mature love.. a love that has grown accostomed to each other, is capable of acting like a puppuy love! Am I making sense? I guess I mean that I want a little magic no matter how old the relationship is! I'm willing to alter my notions but not willing to let go of them altogether!
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sigh,,,,,,.how true.dont we all want that kind of mushy ,teeny magical love.for those blessed to have it ,it is heaven till it lasts.Apart from having the problem of high expectations,the greater problem is when we stagnate under such utopian conditions and when we are jolted into reality.it breakes uor hearts.......I feel ,,Change is the only Permanent condition. it was good that we got to enjoy such a magical romance for some time,,we should gracefully evolve out of that temporary condition,,make the relationship more mature.deep ,profound ,.just like the flirtatious river falls on the grand plains she ,calms,mellows ,slows and revels that expansive and deep new phase of life. i feel it more wonderful when just a look to him conveys all that the heart has to express.no need to sing dance and caper around.just a look and a sigh ,conveys all....i feel that one has to continuously grow in love ,in life in ones total condition.,,if we fall into regression and memories and moon over old days how will we experienca the next level of love....the mere fact that the whole day he works for us ,loves the children,regards my parents, encourages my endeavours in life ,constantly motivates and appreciates,and stands like a rock by me.is this not the real expression of love.,,,,Yes it begins like the the tiny mountain stream,touches ground expands,grows deepens.and finally merges into the unconcious stage of love.see it made me feel so gooooood just writing to you.
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If you let go of your dreams what else is left? Dream, with your feet on ground...
You are right, we dream of poets, Romantic heroes, Brilliant men...
but most men are...just men.
And that can be interesting too.
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I do know that almost 40% of borrowers of romantic fiction in libraries happen to be men. The need for romance is not a female one alone. Perhaps, this is because the number of books to satisfy romantic instincts have been mostly written by and for women so far - in fact, off the top of my head, the only romantic novels written by men for male readers that I can think of off the top of my head are R F Delderfield's "Diana" and R J Waller's "The Bridges of Madison County."
For the men here - this is a vast market that is completely untapped and I hope that someone steps in to exploit it. There are talents aplenty and with a little discipline, there is no reason why someone should not succeed, from the Sulekha writers' pool itself. It would, indeed, be something for the whole Sulekha community to be proud of!
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